Pigeon Police

Somewhere between a deep tissue massage for his tight puppy hips (he's been wagging his tail a little too hard ever since the weather warmed up) and indulging in his favorite probiotic packed frozen yogurt; Spuds found himself wandering through a particularly quaint city park. Surrounded by the sweet scent of lilacs and cotton candy with just the right amount of homeless earthiness, Spuds took a moment to enjoy his temporary retreat from the bustle of urban life. However, temporary it was thanks to a flock of pigeons that flapped dangerously close to his snout. 

If there's one type of aviary creature that Spuds could rid from the planet, it would be the urban pigeon. Sorry pigeons--he just ain't down with you. 

Just when Spuds was about to start barking, a young man came to his assistance. "Put up your hands or I'll shoot  you, Pigeon! This is the Pigeon Police!"

Although this boy was only armed with the his imagination, the fervency that he demanded that these pigeons listen to his authority was frightening. The mass quickly departed to a far-off block. 

While we all can't take the time to attend Pigeon Police Academy this summer, Spuds will most definitely be adding this to his list of objectives.

Woof, woof.

Puppy Makin' Tunes

After playing this on repeat for the entire summer solstice while artfully sculpting Wu-Tang shaped pizza pies and narrating his skills to a captive audience in his best Beck-inspired falsetto; Spuds finally revealed the master behind this mash-up. It is with the greatest of pleasure that we step to you with this fresh pack of gum.

 

Woof to the GoDz....

Flavor of the Week

There are few things Spuds appreciates more than a scoop or two of ice cream in his doggy bowl. He doesn't limit himself to chocolate or vanilla, no, this pooch's palate appreciates a variety of flavors. Lavendar Honey Swirl, Madagascar Vanilla with Course Sea Salt, Mexican Chocolate with Ancho Chilies--you know, gourmet stuff like that.

Spuds seeks out ice cream with the diligence of a truffle pig looking for shrooms. He's just that serious about it. While passing through a rest stop on his last road trip, he stopped at a colorful local ice cream parlor. It was here that he found the most unique flavor of the week to date: Crumbs Along the Mohawk.

He found this name only slightly less confusing than his ex-girflriends Swayze hair. But he doesn't worry about stuff like that--he just went big and dove in.

Grab a bowl, ditch your spoon, and lick away--Spuds style. 

Woof, woof. 

Mountain Dog

Spuds has recently returned from an epic journey to the Adirondack Mountains.

He retreated to upstate New York after forcing himself to walk away from one of his favorite girlfriends. Spuds is a pretty strong communicator and is open to working through issues in relationships, however, when his SO's hair started to look alarmingly similar to Patrick Swayze's character Bodhi (from Point Break), he had to pull the plug.

Sure, Bodhi was a looker with an inspiring take on life; however, his girl's locks were conjuring images of Spuds' totally radical hero during some pretty blush worthy moments--and Spuds just thought that was confusing. Long story short, he regretfully had to step away.

He fled to the mountains to lick his wounds and it was there that he partook in a plethora of soul feeding activities: paddling across lakes after dark, bounding up mountains and enjoying peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the summit, running beaver damns in canoes, screaming down scenic descents on his skateboard, and licking maple syrup off his paws after indulging in bountiful brunch buffets; to name a few.

After a week of catharsis,  fresh air, and successive best day ever's; he's ready for the next bitch. (And yes, we mean that in the proper biological sense of the word. Spuds just isn't down with misogynistic language. RESPECT.)

Woof, woof.

Oh Snap!

Recently, Spuds was tossing some disses back and forth with a pal and popped the ultimate question:

"I know you are, but what am I?"

Go ahead, try it. Spuds promises this throwback will brighten your day and leave your verbal sparring partner disarmed (and possibly alarmed).

Woof, woof.

Puppy Makin' Tunes

Chosen for it's lush harmonies and complex bass lines, this is one of Spuds go-to favorites. What better way to ring in mid-June than this steamy favorite.

Woof, woof.

Grizzly Attack!

Hey, if you're going to be a bear, be a grizzly. 


This includes going big in all aspects of your life no matter how pedestrian: grocery shopping, flossing, and writing letters to customer service departments. You know, stuff like that. The following entry is directly quoted from a memo that a member of Spud's coterie of winners painstakingly crafted and can only be described as the best warranty request letter ever to be signed, sealed, and delivered.


These are the glimpses of greatness that ensures Spuds has a best day ever, everyday. 

Rude Project North America

1015 Calle Amanecer
San Clemente, CA. 92673


Dear Rudy Project:
Let me start by saying that I’m a huge fan of all the different Rudy project products.  Attached is a picture of me wearing the Rudy Glasses in question and Rudy Helmet that was used in a triathlon promoter’s website.  In addition to triathlon, I’m active in many other sports including trail running.  It was during a trail run that I believe the Rudy Project product defect was discovered.

So I was trail running and out of nowhere a giant 1800lb grizzly bear jumped out and started attacking me.  He just started clobbering me with his massive paws and then he began chewing on my Rudy Project Sport Shield glasses.  It was at that moment that this grizzly bear just pushed it a bit too far.  As I have watched an inordinate amount of martial arts movies growing up, I was totally prepared for this situation.  I used a Chinese dragon technique and was able to fight the massive bear off.  I’m happy to say that neither the bear nor I were seriously injured during this sparing bout.

Ok, back to the defect.  Rudy Project is by far the best sunglass option for the serious sportsman.  I may be over thinking this a bit but…I would have figured that the sunglass designers would have definitely engineered the glasses (especially the Sport Shield) to withstand a grizzly bear attack.  
In any case, I appreciate your consideration.

Sincerely,

He who shall not be named, but repeatedly high 5'ed for life

Welp, that's how it's done, folks.

Woof, woof.

Popsicle Thief

We recently came across this poetic masterpiece that Spuds had scrawled on a lightly used napkin and left on the picnic table. Enjoy:

Untitled #1

by Spuds Mackenzie

I have eaten

the grape Popsicles

that were stowed

in the cooler

and which

you were probably

saving

for a summer soiree

Forgive me

they were delectable

so sweet

and so cool.

Note: Spuds has never studied the works of Willy Carlos Willy and is insulted that you would even consider such a thing. 

Woof, woof

Puppy Makin' Tune

Spuds has never, ever, ever seen stonewashed denim and dress shoes look so appealing. He'd also like to applaud directors of this video for their creative use of a standard office chair. Nice work.

Grab your du-rag and smang it, girl.

Woof, woof.

...Does a Doggy Good

While peeling and prepping bananas to be frozen so they could be added to fresh fruit smoothies ("prepping" includes removing the banana's tip--Spuds thinks those are gross); Spuds had a sudden burst of joy and appreciation for his new found healthy lifestyle.

Spuds had been packing some post-prison pounds and chose to trade in his Bud Lights for Gatorade, his afternoon happy hour for doggy paddling sessions in the river, and his low rider for a svelte beach cruiser. Spuds knows that the key to having a best day ever, everyday is to get his little paws moving and his tongue puppy panting. Spuds is good like that.

Don't worry, Spuds can still karaoke with the best of them and hold his own at the tiki bar. It's not like he's going to do anything stupid like sign up for an Ironman or start training for bike races, for goodness sake. He knows those activities are reserved for young professionals who are seeking asylum from their inner-most demons or old men who can't afford Aston Martins, but can afford these.

Yeah, something like that.

And anyway, Spuds just isn't down with that much spandex. Especially spandex that reveals a puppies pooch. That just isn't cool, man.

Woof, woof.

Wanted: Surf Style Breaker

While sniffing around the back of his rafting guides sleeper van on a recent visit to Banff, Spuds came across the familiar scent of Interplanetary Body Gear.

Upon further inspection, he discovered an entire Surf Style suit--Windbreaker Jacket and Pants. . The thrill of spotting this piece rivaled the adrenaline rush of surfing the rapids and sipping brewskies while floating down the river. For Spuds, this was the equivalent of seeing a unicorn prancing across an open meadow. Two words: F-ing majestic.

Unfortunately for us, Spuds doesn't ever carry a camera with him. He prefers to live in the moment instead of trying to capture the past. He's so good like that. However, just in case you aren't familiar with this stellar line of technical windbreakers, here's a little taste of what he saw:

Woof, woof.

Return of the Mack

Listen, listen: it's the return of the mack (eastern hemisphere spuds
HOLLA!), only obsfucated by GRE preparatation coursese and complex
chinese characters tryng to constrain my expression: NO WOOFING WAY!

Spuds has recovered from those pickles shots over the weekend with the
assistance of some straight-nutrition procured from a culinary blend
of unmelted brie and dry cider. and yeah, Spuds eats that rennet rind.
Don't even worry about that.  Spuds has also been inspired by the
good people of Park n Shop (located between mosque street and robinson
road) who gave him a COMPLIMENTARY american-heroes themed place mat
for puppy chow after purchasing USD 32 of beverages to stock the
half-fridge so it's looking Cribs-worthy.  


Mission: COMPLETE.


Lime-Perrier, gatorades for warding off hypoglecemic crashes that be
fooling with 5:30am mountain runs, and other stuff too.  Don't want to
be too proud a puppy to start making you b!tches (in the most
biologically-accurate sense of that phraseology, werd) jealous.  


PS,
it's almost Jueves AKA Thursday which is procreation-priority day...so
today Spuds must disclose ALL of the slow jams keeping his hips swinging
free like gelatin products:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ESdn0MuJWQ (give this one 10 seconds)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl2WJdn3qOE (yeah, you KNOW Spuds be
loving that summer samba)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_BcrkYxpb4 (so SEXY, so NECESSARY!)

paw-che out.
smck

Give Me My Pickle Back, SVP

Just so we're clear, Spuds doesn't normally indulge in novelty shots. That's just not his kind of drinking. Spuds like other stuff, like Belgian whites, hoppy IPA's, oak barrel aged whiskey, and gatorade; you know--stuff like that. He saves the shots for floozy blondes and/or the most horrifying genre of men at the bar--the frustrated, post-collegiate fraternity boy begging for Jameson. Woof.

However, there is one, and only one, exception to this rule. A marriage made in heaven. A duo so genius that Spuds swears he invented it in his former life. Ladies and gentleman: the Pickle Back.

Broken down as follows:

Pickle Back = shot of whiskey + immediate shot of pickle juice

You're welcome.

A few warnings:

1.) The consumption of pickle backs indubitably leads to the immediate consumption of another. We call this the law of the Pickle Back, or the PB^2 phenomenon.
2.) Once a PB is consumed, you may find yourself surrounded by women taking their clothes off. In some parts of the world, they are called "strippers".
3.) You may or may not have the urge to throw rocks at moving objects.
4.) If found in a bar that only offers pickled asparagus juice, resist the urge to use as a substitute. Upon first taste, it seems acceptable. Trust us, it's not. (Thanks, Canada)
5.) Spuds has found himself skateboarding through the streets during after hours on full blown pickle pilgrimage--searching for jars to bring back to his gang who he's left hanging.

Proceed with caution. And keep the pickle out of the hands of that floozy blonde, will you?