Puppy Makin' Tunes

Chosen for it's lush harmonies and complex bass lines, this is one of Spuds go-to favorites. What better way to ring in mid-June than this steamy favorite.

Woof, woof.

Grizzly Attack!

Hey, if you're going to be a bear, be a grizzly. 


This includes going big in all aspects of your life no matter how pedestrian: grocery shopping, flossing, and writing letters to customer service departments. You know, stuff like that. The following entry is directly quoted from a memo that a member of Spud's coterie of winners painstakingly crafted and can only be described as the best warranty request letter ever to be signed, sealed, and delivered.


These are the glimpses of greatness that ensures Spuds has a best day ever, everyday. 

Rude Project North America

1015 Calle Amanecer
San Clemente, CA. 92673


Dear Rudy Project:
Let me start by saying that I’m a huge fan of all the different Rudy project products.  Attached is a picture of me wearing the Rudy Glasses in question and Rudy Helmet that was used in a triathlon promoter’s website.  In addition to triathlon, I’m active in many other sports including trail running.  It was during a trail run that I believe the Rudy Project product defect was discovered.

So I was trail running and out of nowhere a giant 1800lb grizzly bear jumped out and started attacking me.  He just started clobbering me with his massive paws and then he began chewing on my Rudy Project Sport Shield glasses.  It was at that moment that this grizzly bear just pushed it a bit too far.  As I have watched an inordinate amount of martial arts movies growing up, I was totally prepared for this situation.  I used a Chinese dragon technique and was able to fight the massive bear off.  I’m happy to say that neither the bear nor I were seriously injured during this sparing bout.

Ok, back to the defect.  Rudy Project is by far the best sunglass option for the serious sportsman.  I may be over thinking this a bit but…I would have figured that the sunglass designers would have definitely engineered the glasses (especially the Sport Shield) to withstand a grizzly bear attack.  
In any case, I appreciate your consideration.

Sincerely,

He who shall not be named, but repeatedly high 5'ed for life

Welp, that's how it's done, folks.

Woof, woof.

Popsicle Thief

We recently came across this poetic masterpiece that Spuds had scrawled on a lightly used napkin and left on the picnic table. Enjoy:

Untitled #1

by Spuds Mackenzie

I have eaten

the grape Popsicles

that were stowed

in the cooler

and which

you were probably

saving

for a summer soiree

Forgive me

they were delectable

so sweet

and so cool.

Note: Spuds has never studied the works of Willy Carlos Willy and is insulted that you would even consider such a thing. 

Woof, woof

Puppy Makin' Tune

Spuds has never, ever, ever seen stonewashed denim and dress shoes look so appealing. He'd also like to applaud directors of this video for their creative use of a standard office chair. Nice work.

Grab your du-rag and smang it, girl.

Woof, woof.

...Does a Doggy Good

While peeling and prepping bananas to be frozen so they could be added to fresh fruit smoothies ("prepping" includes removing the banana's tip--Spuds thinks those are gross); Spuds had a sudden burst of joy and appreciation for his new found healthy lifestyle.

Spuds had been packing some post-prison pounds and chose to trade in his Bud Lights for Gatorade, his afternoon happy hour for doggy paddling sessions in the river, and his low rider for a svelte beach cruiser. Spuds knows that the key to having a best day ever, everyday is to get his little paws moving and his tongue puppy panting. Spuds is good like that.

Don't worry, Spuds can still karaoke with the best of them and hold his own at the tiki bar. It's not like he's going to do anything stupid like sign up for an Ironman or start training for bike races, for goodness sake. He knows those activities are reserved for young professionals who are seeking asylum from their inner-most demons or old men who can't afford Aston Martins, but can afford these.

Yeah, something like that.

And anyway, Spuds just isn't down with that much spandex. Especially spandex that reveals a puppies pooch. That just isn't cool, man.

Woof, woof.

Wanted: Surf Style Breaker

While sniffing around the back of his rafting guides sleeper van on a recent visit to Banff, Spuds came across the familiar scent of Interplanetary Body Gear.

Upon further inspection, he discovered an entire Surf Style suit--Windbreaker Jacket and Pants. . The thrill of spotting this piece rivaled the adrenaline rush of surfing the rapids and sipping brewskies while floating down the river. For Spuds, this was the equivalent of seeing a unicorn prancing across an open meadow. Two words: F-ing majestic.

Unfortunately for us, Spuds doesn't ever carry a camera with him. He prefers to live in the moment instead of trying to capture the past. He's so good like that. However, just in case you aren't familiar with this stellar line of technical windbreakers, here's a little taste of what he saw:

Woof, woof.

Return of the Mack

Listen, listen: it's the return of the mack (eastern hemisphere spuds
HOLLA!), only obsfucated by GRE preparatation coursese and complex
chinese characters tryng to constrain my expression: NO WOOFING WAY!

Spuds has recovered from those pickles shots over the weekend with the
assistance of some straight-nutrition procured from a culinary blend
of unmelted brie and dry cider. and yeah, Spuds eats that rennet rind.
Don't even worry about that.  Spuds has also been inspired by the
good people of Park n Shop (located between mosque street and robinson
road) who gave him a COMPLIMENTARY american-heroes themed place mat
for puppy chow after purchasing USD 32 of beverages to stock the
half-fridge so it's looking Cribs-worthy.  


Mission: COMPLETE.


Lime-Perrier, gatorades for warding off hypoglecemic crashes that be
fooling with 5:30am mountain runs, and other stuff too.  Don't want to
be too proud a puppy to start making you b!tches (in the most
biologically-accurate sense of that phraseology, werd) jealous.  


PS,
it's almost Jueves AKA Thursday which is procreation-priority day...so
today Spuds must disclose ALL of the slow jams keeping his hips swinging
free like gelatin products:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ESdn0MuJWQ (give this one 10 seconds)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl2WJdn3qOE (yeah, you KNOW Spuds be
loving that summer samba)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_BcrkYxpb4 (so SEXY, so NECESSARY!)

paw-che out.
smck

Give Me My Pickle Back, SVP

Just so we're clear, Spuds doesn't normally indulge in novelty shots. That's just not his kind of drinking. Spuds like other stuff, like Belgian whites, hoppy IPA's, oak barrel aged whiskey, and gatorade; you know--stuff like that. He saves the shots for floozy blondes and/or the most horrifying genre of men at the bar--the frustrated, post-collegiate fraternity boy begging for Jameson. Woof.

However, there is one, and only one, exception to this rule. A marriage made in heaven. A duo so genius that Spuds swears he invented it in his former life. Ladies and gentleman: the Pickle Back.

Broken down as follows:

Pickle Back = shot of whiskey + immediate shot of pickle juice

You're welcome.

A few warnings:

1.) The consumption of pickle backs indubitably leads to the immediate consumption of another. We call this the law of the Pickle Back, or the PB^2 phenomenon.
2.) Once a PB is consumed, you may find yourself surrounded by women taking their clothes off. In some parts of the world, they are called "strippers".
3.) You may or may not have the urge to throw rocks at moving objects.
4.) If found in a bar that only offers pickled asparagus juice, resist the urge to use as a substitute. Upon first taste, it seems acceptable. Trust us, it's not. (Thanks, Canada)
5.) Spuds has found himself skateboarding through the streets during after hours on full blown pickle pilgrimage--searching for jars to bring back to his gang who he's left hanging.

Proceed with caution. And keep the pickle out of the hands of that floozy blonde, will you?

Happy Memorial Day Weekend

Spuds is currently en route to an undisclosed location outside of the US Borders. Rumor has it, he's either jet-setting to Singapore to ride his skateboard through the swarms of runners at the midnight marathon, handing out electrolyte tabs and offering words of encouragement; or crossing the border to hang with our neighboring maple leaf fans, tirelessly hunting for perfect screen-printed crew neck sweatshirts at truck stops and applying his "How to Take out a Grizzly Bear" tactics on the trails of Calgary's finest mountains. 

Spuds wouldn't be caught dead waving an American flag and engaging in any sort of patriotic activity. Either that, or he blew his load last weekend because he forgot that Memorial Day is always the last weekend in May, indulged in one too many Gin and Tonics, and had to be pulled off the picnic table at a local polo match while barking the "Star Spangled Banner".

You decide. 

Woof, woof.

Puppy Makin' Tunes

'

Three key points influenced the decision to name this tune our choice puppy makin' track:

1.) Last weeks intertextual H-Town reference in A Tribe Called Quest tune that left Spuds hungry for some Afrocentricity on his playlist

2.) The undeniable arrival of summer that has inspired Spuds to bless us all with a steady stream of Q-Tip pumping from his boom box

3.) His familiarity with Siemen's furniture.

Woof, woof.

Wanted: Zinka

While sitting on his sunny stoop and enjoying an extra large iced coffee with cream and granulated sugar (Spuds isn't a fan of that artificial sugar syrup, he likes the crunch of sugar crystals between his chompers); he felt the familiar warmth of the sun's rays on the tip of his nose and remembered the stockpile of sunscreen he had tucked away in the dark corners of his basement. 

Just like everything in life, Spuds doesn't do SPF protection half way. No, he takes ultraviolet rays seriously (as he has previously demonstrated with his excellent advice on protective eye wear). 

Available for the first time since 1991, Zinka has made a come back and Spuds couldn't be happier. Not only is this the most technologically advanced colored skin paint ever to be sold, but it lends yet another avenue to express yourself. 

It has also been known to induce sudden beach party breakouts, as demonstrated below. Just  make sure to keep a couple tubes of assorted colors in your pack. There's only a handful of things Spuds can't stand and one of them is showing up to the  neighborhood beach volleyball court and realizing he's got the same Zinka color as the chump he smashed into the sand last week. 

Woof, woof.

Dedication

Spotted on the rear of an adoring Spuds fan in south Georgia...

Thanks to Spuds' favorite surf buddy for taking one for the team and capturing this awe-inspiring tat. The jury is still out on what category of awe this inspires. Spuds is currently experiencing a gamut of emotions ranging from extreme hilarity to discomfort.

Two things are for sure. First off, whoever inked this portrait got the colors right on. Spuds feels strongly that neon purple and lime green compliment his skin tone. Secondly, this dude has chosen a serious display of dedication to the party lifestyle. And for that, my friend, Spuds and crew bid you adieu.

Woof, woof.

Wanted: Hot Tuna

Straight off Turtle's back, Haole.

Sniff This

Besides having excellent taste in casual street wear, post-modern art, haiku poetry and fine wines (pass the Sangiovese, please); Spuds is also known for having an exceptional nose.


After a recent soiree at a piano bar where he wowed the crowd with his knowledge of Michael McDonald tunes (hey, TuPac had to sample someone); he found himself perusing the aisles of his local parfumerie. Swept into a whirlwind of sandlewood and gardenia with undertones of amber and a subtle rose water finish; Spuds indulged in one of the finer luxuries in life and walked away with a lovely reminder: stop and smell the roses.


He was also reminded of the power of scent and is currently experimenting with forgoing baths and avoiding sprinklers in order to harness his puppy pheromones. Hey, everyone has dry spells--even Spuds MacKenzie.

Puppy Makin' Thursday

"So let's knock some boots like the group H-Town". - Phife Dawg

Any smooth jam that makes it's way into a ATCQ rhyme is worthy of this list.

However, this song probably isn't a good choice for karaoke. There is a possibility that if you choose to perform this song as part of your karaoke routine that you could creep out the DJ so much that they disconnect the microphone and deem it "the creepiest moment of their career". Not that it's happened to Spuds or anything, he's just warning you.

Protect your Peeps

No. This isn't a call to guard your hidden stash of stale Peeps from your easter basket. Although you better believe that if you're having Spuds over for a dinner party and you have a thing for month old marshmallows, Spuds will sniff them out and go to town. It's just another item on the long list of things Spuds can't resist.

No, what Spuds is preaching today is the value in shielding your peepers from the suns harmful rays. There are a few precautions one must take over the summer: avoiding contact with lime and salt while in direct sunlight, darting jellyfish while floating in the sea, and avoiding sand burn as you dive for the game winning save at your neighborhood beach volleyball court; to name a few. Not that Spuds stresses about that kind of stuff...

The options for protective eye wear are bountiful and navigating your way through the trend driven sunglasses scene can be a tough one. Wayfarer's, while black are classic, have been outplayed by your local hipster. Frogskins are for the pretentious (especially the ones with mirrored lenses. What sort of pseudo-elitist spends $100+ on these suckers?), and aviators are just plain confusing.

But, there is one style that's coming on big. Spuds is calling it. A style so timeless that every Oakley and Ray Ban employee's knees are shaking. These bad boys will be breaking on to the scene faster than you can say "Urban Outfitters stole my single speed". Drum roll, please:

Introducing the Solar Shield, available in two non-gender specific frames. Snatch a pair from your neighborhood drug store or  your Grandpa's glove compartment.

Note the peripheral protection on these puppies. That's 360 degrees, mo fo. 'Nuff said.

Woof, woof.

Not-yo Cheese

Spuds is currently in recovery from an usual case of lactose poisoning. Rumor has it, he got into some bad nacho cheese at his last shindig. The unexpected heat wave combined with mediocre quality fromage spelled trouble for our favorite party pooch. Do not fret--Spuds will be back in action in no time.

Puppy Makin' Music Thursday

Drum roll, please.

Spuds has graciously offered to mark each and every upcoming Thursday with one of his choice Puppy Makin' tunes (a.k.a Sex Jams, for all of us two-legged folks). This often forgotten genre can be a powerful tool in the party animal's box. Trust us, Spuds knows this kind of stuff.

This particular musical gem holds a special meaning for Spuds. One evening while drifting in and out of a blissful sleep in his slammer cell, he recalled an especially seductive lyric from one of his past puppy love playlists. It would be years, not days, of "Let me lick you up and down, till you say stop" occupying much of his mental processes. Unable to place the specific song and/or melody--the lyric took on a whole new meaning to Spuds. It became his mantra in meditation, his go-to line to kick off his freestyle and his pick-up line at the coffee shop.

You can imagine his excitement when he first heard the complete masterpiece from which the lyric that had been taunting him for the past two years had been pulled from. So, to commemorate Spuds' subconscious lady loving skills and to inspire us all to offer ourselves until we are told to stop, here's your first "Puppy Makin' Music Tune of the Week".

Woof, woof.

Wanted: Hypercolor T-shirts

Spuds has a few items on his wishlist to complete his best summer ever, one such piece being a custom printed hypercolor t-shirt. Not only is this item an instant party favorite, but it lends Spuds the opportunity to wow a crowd with his knowledge of thermochromic materials.

Get your posse together and order some here. Please note the minimum order of 36 units. 

The only downside? It might be tough for you to see Spuds' paws all over your girlfriend. Woof woof!

Non-Stop

Spuds would like to report in that best friend stuff is in full effect. He may or may not be engaging in any of the following activities:

-Sniffing around the Great Lakes
-Perfecting the art of middle management
-Dispelling myths about his lack of patriotism while waving a USA Lanyard from his pick-up truck
-barking at bitches wearing TuPac shirts and threatening to "freak" a variety of proper nouns "from behind"
-Continuing the ultimate Search: the procurement of a long torso-ed denim and/or elephant print onesie
-Appropriately expressing his N.C.I.Y.F. love

He will return from his temporary hiatus shortly.